My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
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What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
wtf is an acronym
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
How wrong was this guy?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.