Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
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HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I think I’ll stand
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
True freaking story!
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?