I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
You Might Also Like
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
me doing my best
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
lmao
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on