And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
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Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.