guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
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5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Comparing yourself to others
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!