I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
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I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Confused owl: What?!
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.