thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
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The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Love thy neighbor’s dog
meow
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.