Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
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How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
car not found
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Going to church you guys need anything
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*