4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
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friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON