[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
english majors be like furthermore
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell