“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
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They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!