My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
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ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?