Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
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Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Follow me for more life hacks.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Oh my God.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini