Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything