A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?