A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant