People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
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there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions