App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
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YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
こいつ天才
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*