lmao
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She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
birds and squirrels envy us
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain