I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
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Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know