“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Best spoiler warning ever
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.