I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
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I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.