It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
You Might Also Like
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*