Wise advice
You Might Also Like
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
screw you
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.