An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
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me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
checking out some reviews of my local library
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
seems fine
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.