We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
men are simple creatures
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
hear me out : pockets for your socks
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*