Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
You Might Also Like
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix