I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
emergency phone
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”