Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Risking my life for fun.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.