this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
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It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
water it, i dare you
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that