[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
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“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
man i love columbo
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
The smoothest fall of all time
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me