HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
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I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.