This week’s mood.
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Somebody’s lying.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people