Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Can Happiness buy money?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme