I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Bed should get ready for ME
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot