Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
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*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
And they lived apathetically ever after.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”