my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
181.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone