I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
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You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
This is me
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.