Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Plumber: I think I found the problem
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*