*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
2 years later
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I really had high hopes for this year though
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.