[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
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History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking