Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
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“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?