[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
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devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Battery falling down a hole
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Sending in my taxes
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*