[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
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Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
multitasking lunch
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse