Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
me and my fake scenarios
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.