I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.