Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
You Might Also Like
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Sign at work today
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”