My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day