Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
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You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I put the h in mysterious.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo