Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
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It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.